Ceasefire! Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is all about emotions. There are periods of time when siblings get along so well that friends are superfluous, and there are other times when one needs to shout out a ceasefire; often very loudly!

What’s with the rivalry?

Be it regressive sibling behavior or sibling rivalry, most times it is a demand by the child for more love and attention from parents.

If we pause for a moment and go back to our childhoods, we will remember the times that our parents could not give us their undivided attention. They had other things or smaller people to attend to: helpless little people who require a lot of time, attention and multiple diaper changes throughout the day!

In the natural order of things, the older child gets less time and attention within the family. Parents have a finite supply of time and attention to distribute among children, chores, and making a living. This is made even more difficult as more families are becoming single-parent homes. As the African proverb goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but sometimes, in a modern urban setting, the village is simply not there.

Sensitivity in children

By the age of three, children understand family dynamics very well. They comprehend their standing in relation to siblings and can effortlessly create situations where rivalry becomes inevitable. Sometimes, these rivalries can get vicious as children grow, often, however, children who were once firm rivals end up becoming very supportive siblings!

Parental intervention

It is up to parents to firmly step in and nip rivalries in the bud. All parents were once children and are more often than not aware of sibling rivalry. Even if a parent was a single child, he or she would have perhaps seen examples of rivalry in the relationships of friends and relatives.

In stressful times it helps to think back on those childhood experiences – what bothered us? Most importantly, what set it off? Those memories will help us to reduce situations which aggravate sibling rivalries in our own children.

Firm and impartial should be the mantra for parents when dealing with sibling rivalry. Here are a few simple things we have followed to contain rivalry between our children:

1. We prepared our older child for our younger one’s arrival. We emphasized how we all, including him, had to help the younger one, for he would be helpless and need lots of our attention. The idea was to make sure he did not feel his position in the family was usurped by the younger one.
2. After our younger one became mobile, every time he annoyingly butted into the older child’s games and Lego building projects, or even pulled down his pile of books, we emphasized to our younger one that this was a No-No. We helped our older child to understand that our younger one was simply curious about his older brother. The bond-building between siblings can take odd forms!
3. As they grew older, we emphasized sharing. My wife and I shared a work desk at home, a car, and our chores. We always emphasized sharing candy, fruit or even a bar of chocolate. When they were gifted a tablet by their grandmother, they shared it to play online games. Even today they share it to play penguin games (a current favorite thanks to the Dreamworks movies).
4. We made sure our older child continued with the same routine as before. If there was to be a change, we made sure he was expecting it. We tried very hard not get him anxious.
5. As they grew older, every time a fight between our boys was imminent, we tried defusing it with humor. Laughter can change the dynamics of any situation. Also, as parents, we mostly resolve our differences amicably; when we are treading into “loud talking territory,” we unashamedly use Mr. Disney to entertain our children, while we took our disagreements away from their presence.

Interestingly, our efforts have paid off quite well. Our boys get into fights and arguments, but they also manage to reach a ceasefire on their own (most times, anyway!).

Uncommon rivalries

As human nature can sometimes be unforgiving, sibling rivalries can get bitter and remain unresolved for entire lifetimes. This very public case of sibling rivalry shows an extreme example.

Love versus rivalry

When the rivalry begins, does sibling love get flushed down the toilet? NO. Most times love just takes a short hiatus while the siblings cool off. The frequency and duration of these rivalries might vary, but they always end, especially when children are young and have parents to mediate. Within a family, a sibling relationship is, more often than not, the longest-lasting relationship: on an average of 70-80 years. It makes sense to help our children sustain these relationships by encouraging them to be friendly and stay in touch as they grow older and more independent.

Parents do not have an infinite supply of patience and we do not go to “parenting schools” to learn parenting. We are human and fallible, but it’s our job to try our utmost to provide a nurturing and happy environment for our children.

By George Schalter

George Schalter loves being a dad. He and his wife share the joys and responsibilities of bringing up their two children. As believers in good, all-round education, they spend a lot of time playing with their children and being outdoors. George is the writer in the family; he blogs at educationalkidsgames.edublogs.org/.

Photos by Cloudia Chen

Cloudia Chen is a portrait photographer specializing in family and children’s photography. Before settling in Zurich, she lived in Mainland China, Hong Kong, London and South of France. Her photos and articles have been published in various social media and popular travel magazines in China. To contact her please visit her website www.cloudiachen.com.