Teenage Sex And Relationships

Here are some real-life situations for you to think about^*: A teenage girl bursts into tears when her pregnancy test is positive, saying she “only did it once.” You overhear a conversation where one teenage boy explains to another that you “can’t get a girl pregnant if you do it standing up.” A sexually active teenager has no idea if her boyfriend uses condoms or not.

How do you feel when you read these scenarios? Uncomfortable? Shocked? Perhaps you stop reading in disgust, feeling that articles like this shouldn’t be written. Do you believe that these circumstances could never apply to your teenager?

Unfortunately, despite the vast amount of resources available about sex and relationships today, ignorance and myths still persist. It is difficult for teenagers to avoid being bombarded by sexual references from numerous angles. It’s also difficult for you, the parent, to police the sheer volume of material your teenager may be exposed to. You may be unsure what teenagers today have access to, given that things like sexting simply didn’t exist when you were a teenager.

Why you (the parent) should initiate conversations with your teenager

Who do teenagers talk to about sex and relationships? Rather than approaching you, they are far more likely to talk to their friends, or perhaps to nobody at all. Some teenagers are extremely unlikely to approach parents about anything, let alone issues around sex and relationships. Nothing is preventing you from being the one to approach your teenager first. By doing so, you indicate to them that the topic of sex and relationships is important to you, and that you want them to get their information from reliable sources. You can emphasise that any decisions they make should be personal ones, and not based on peer pressure. You also create a communication channel between yourself and your teenager.

How to approach your teenager

Hopefully, over the years you have managed to have some age-appropriate chats referring to sex and relationships. Even if you haven’t, it’s not too late to start. Be prepared for your own embarrassment as well as your teenager’s embarrassment. Acknowledge this embarrassment – just saying you know it’s hard for both of you is a good starting point. Think about introducing the topic by mentioning a TV programme or a film, or a story in a newspaper about a celebrity, or by using an advert as a talking point. You could ask some general questions such as, “Has anyone at school talked about sex?” “What do your friends say about sex?” or “Do people at school feel under pressure to have sex?”

The issues you need to mention

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and avoiding pregnancy are probably at the top of your “must-talk-about” list. It is essential to mention practicalities such as the risks of STIs, the various contraception choices available, the local services your teens will be able to access, good online sources of information, the option of waiting longer before having sex, discussing the “safer sex” message, etc.

However, it is also easy to make this kind of information the focus of what you say at the expense of other issues. Try not to avoid or underestimate the importance of encouraging your teenager to explore and think about their feelings, worries, concerns, fears, and uncertainties – all the aspects that go into forming the emotional side of a relationship.

When talking to your teenager about sex and relationships, what’s your stand on mentioning pornography? This may make some of you feel nervous or outraged, but I think you should mention it. Why? Well, you want to help your teenager to understand what constitutes a healthy relationship in terms of physical intimacy, and also help them deal with anxieties about physical appearance. You want them to know they are entitled to make decisions, and they are also entitled to change their minds if they want to. Certain online sources (e.g., pornography) can skew a teenager’s understanding of what is healthy and what is unhealthy and of what is and is not acceptable. If you address these uncomfortable issues with your teenager, you are helping them to separate reality from the influence of cyberspace.

What to avoid

If you are asked a question you don’t know the answer to, be honest and say so. You could suggest you look up the answer together, or separately, and then report back to each other.

Try not to lecture (easier said than done). Try not to focus on listing lots of “do nots.” Try not to interrogate your teenager. These approaches are not helpful, and will shut down further communication pathways between the two of you.

If your teenager comes to you for advice, or with a question, don’t automatically assume they must be having sex, or even planning to in the immediate future. Information-gathering is to be encouraged, particularly when you are able to ensure your teenager gets accurate advice.

In order to show empathy, you may feel it is good to talk about your own experiences. I would suggest this is inappropriate. Your sexual history is private, and should stay that way for the purposes of discussing sex and relationships with your teenager. Some parents favour the “learn-from-my-mistakes” approach, but being too open can be disturbing for your teenager. Your teenager is the focus here, not you.

Legal points

In Switzerland, the age of consent (the age at which you are legally allowed to have sex) is 16. Below this age, sex is still considered legal if the age difference of the two partners does not exceed three years. (So a sexual relationship between a 15-year-old and a 19-year-old is a criminal offence, but one between a 15-year-old and a 16-year-old is not considered criminal.)

The law extends beyond the age of 16 in certain cases, such as those regarding a position of trust in education or in employment. For example, sexual relationships between a teacher and a student or between an employer and an apprentice are illegal.

Another parental concern

Many parents may be concerned that talking about sex and relationships means they are, in effect, giving their teenager permission to have sex. But think of it another way. You are laying a foundation for future conversations about relationships, and keeping all discussion opportunities open. You are showing your teenager that you want them to feel confident and comfortable in themselves and their choices. You are teaching them it’s important to act responsibly. You are being honest with them when you mention how fun and enjoyable relationships can be, as well as mentioning the negative consequences of sex and relationships.

Providing support and information is not the same as giving permission. You cannot control your teenager, but you can go a long way to ensuring they are as equipped as possible, both practically and emotionally.

Note

* = If you are a teenager reading this, I would like to clarify the scenarios mentioned in the first paragraph.

Yes, you can get pregnant after having sex just once. Yes, you can get pregnant if you have sex standing up.

If you are unsure how to use a condom (like the teenage girl who didn’t know if her boyfriend was using condoms or not), or if you want help or information, please ask at your local clinic (see websites listed below).

Disclaimer: This article is intended as a general guide only. Please seek advice for your specific situation from your own doctor.

By Dr Jahura Hossain

Born and brought up in London, Jahura is a U.K.-qualified doctor. She has worked in hospitals, general practice, public health, prison medicine, and the pharmaceutical industry.

© Copyright. Jahura Hossain. 2014. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without the express consent of the author.

Illustration by Laura Munteanu

Laura has studied Journalism and Advertising, and has been working as a journalist and an illustrator. She has been illustrating for magazines, websites, charity and different campaigns. She lives in Zurich with her husband and her 5 -year- old daughter.