Understanding Our Children and Ourselves
The caring instinct lasts a lifetime, but how we show it changes as a child grows. We all know as parents that the fact we care for and love our children does not mean we should do everything for them or give them everything they ask for. Caring can mean being firm even in difficult moments, when our children push us to cross a boundary we have already set. Staying true to what we know is right for them at their age ensures that children learn how to bear frustration and to wait for things they want, a little more every year as they grow up.
But how can we develop the confidence to know when to relent and when to keep our word? If you give an inch, will they take a mile?
Doing things for our children
Caring becomes synonymous with “doing it for a child,” i.e., they are not capable of doing it for themselves! – Jessica Scrimes, Montessori guide and teacher.
As soon as children start to understand what you are saying, they are old enough to try to do things for themselves. The amount of patience you have will show them you care about their sense of achievement. The indulgence is giving your time generously. Parents need to be tireless emotional detectives, trying to articulate the emotions of their baby or child and also the effect each expression of emotion has on you. The cries and whines of a newborn baby are designed to get under our skin, but beyond this stage, instantly responding does not give us a moment to think, “Why is he appealing to me to pick him up, instead of trying to crawl to a place where he can pull himself to standing?” “Could my daughter pull the velcro tabs on her shoes instead of asking me to do it?” Using a pacifier is one way not to have to listen to a child’s sounds, but unless a baby really needs comfort, even pre-verbal interaction will be richer without one.
Once your children learn how to ask you to do things for them with words, delaying your response by talking with them about it will give them a chance to think about doing it for themselves. This might require steely nerves during the toddler phase while they try out their lungs on YOU! But in your moments of reflection about the nature of the demand, you are developing your ability to become a more confident parent.
Giving things to our children
Parents whose children ask for things a lot find themselves in a dilemma. Our love for them makes us want to help them see the world as a plentiful place where there is lots of love to go round. Isn’t it wonderful to indulge our generosity of spirit? If we are lucky enough to be able to afford it, should we not give them as much as possible, provided they do not show signs of becoming whining or demanding kids? If we don’t show them we care about them when they say they are hurt, hungry or thirsty, won’t we be failing to be “good” parents or worse, making our children hard-hearted from feeling uncared for?
I think in many situations and often when children ask for things in public, it is tempting to give in to the pressure created by feeling in the spotlight. But a child has so much natural intelligence, they will realise that these are situations in which they can press your buttons! Many people associate caring with being soft and giving in to a child, whether that is with a hug or by buying them something. But the more experience a parent has, the more we realise there is a right time and a right place for every demand. Working this out in our minds, moment to moment, shows our kids how much we care.
Reversing the parent-child power relationship
Children need to learn how and when to ask for things; as their parents we have to teach them that. There is also an element in showing we care through giving in to their demands which communicates something very different than we intend. Giving in all the time implies they are stronger than us, the adult-child role is reversed and so giving in puts them in the decision-making role. In my opinion children do not feel as safe with carers who are too indulgent. They realise they have power, and feel temporarily satisfied, but winning every time means they get the impression they can decide about everything for themselves – whether it is safe to let go of Mummy’s hand on the road, when to go to sleep, what to eat. The effect of showing you care through giving in to your child’s demands can then lead to a child regressing and starting to behave like a younger child.
Teaching what caring means
Children from an early age – not many months after learning sentences starting “I want” – can be told that their words have an impact on the person they are addressing. You can also model what caring means by showing them your caring self with your own parents, siblings, pets and friends in need. They soon learn that people feel like appreciating efforts to show consideration and this puts us in a more kindly frame of mind than when we feel pushed around. That can be an effective way to teach them some social sensitivity.
Stop, look and listen – to ourselves
Understanding our child’s feelings and showing them we care about their feelings is not simple or divorced from how we understand ourselves.
Let’s take the example of a child falling in a playground. If the parent is nearby, they often cry out and expect an instant reaction. But parents respond so differently – some stop and say nothing, waiting to work out if they are really hurt. Some are as shocked or surprised as their child and will automatically gasp or exclaim with worry. Some of us try to reassure our child, with kind words but without panic in our voices. But any automatic reaction tends to preclude thought and bypass reality. What is appropriate depends on how badly he or she is hurt, which we cannot know for several minutes afterwards. Your reaction, however, can mould your children’s expectations of reality. Any instant response that is a habit can become part of their understanding of themselves. In other words, children get used to our reactions and internalise them.
Once you spot your automatic reaction, think uncritically but honestly about its source. Is that how your mother used to react, and did it make you feel undeterred, hesitant, frightened, curious…? Whether emotional or rational, what will it teach your child about how to respond when he or she falls over? Children absorb an authentic response from us in seconds but can also learn to take cues from their own bodies and express their need for you in proportion to the physical hurt they feel from the effect of the fall.
Caring is a responsibility but also a privilege. For our children’s safety we have to be in control without taking away their capacity to look after themselves. Acknowledging our feelings and reactions as much as understanding that theirs is a continual process, which allows us to adjust how we care for our children as they grow older.
By Monica Shah
Monica Shah is founder and head of Children First Association and former director of the Islington Women’s Counselling Centre in London where she started The Mothering Project. She now lives in Zurich and is a mother of a teenager.
Illustration by Susana Gutierrez
Susana is the mother of two little girls and a freelance illustrator. She can be reached at s.escapa@gmail.com
