The Surprising Benefits Of Our Darker Emotions

 We now have scientific evidence suggesting that this single-minded pursuit of happiness is akin to trying to grab a bar of soap in the bathtub. The more you reach through the water, the more the soap slips away, and the more difficult it is to lay a hand on. – T. B. Kashdan and R. Biswas-Diener

We all enjoy happiness, but does this mean we should actively try to be happier? Although you would think so, new evidence says it’s not so clear-cut. The science of psychology indicates that, along with doing things that bring us happiness, it’s also important to embrace the benefits of other, less desirable emotions and experiences. It appears that discomfort, challenges, confrontation, stress, anger and anxiety all have surprisingly important uses. There is also evidence that people who try hard to be happy can end up making themselves feel more miserable, lonely, and inadequate in the process.

Sounds ludicrous, right? But before I explain further, let me clarify that we’re all different in what brings us happiness at different times in our lives. While some people need time to themselves, others need plenty of social interaction. While I need a walk in the fresh air each day, my friend needs to jog four kilometers twice a week. Today I need to stay home and recharge my batteries, but tomorrow I’ll be itching to explore a new mountaintop playground. But while the things that bring us happiness are different, we can agree that happiness is “a pleasant and highly desirable emotional state.”

So if we all enjoy happiness, should we therefore be trying to get more of it into our lives? And if so, is the best way to achieve more happiness by avoiding all that is negative? On the contrary, there are surprising benefits to our darker emotions, and making peace with them can ultimately help us achieve more happiness.

The Cultural Value of Happiness

In Western culture, happiness is extremely important. Most Westerners want to be happier and dislike experiencing emotional pain. We know that the value we place on happiness is cultural, because happiness is not universally rated as the most important goal of life. Our love of happiness increased in the late 20th century as the incomes and means of Westerners rose. It was then we began to develop an intense love of comfort and an associated dislike for anything that isn’t entirely pleasant.

Sadly, our desire for comfort can have unintended consequences. It may mean that we overlook opportunities for longer-term growth and development simply because they don’t bring us feelings of immediate pleasure. For example, if I only did things that were easy and comfortable, I wouldn’t attempt that clumsy German conversation that makes me look like a buffoon, or bother rolling out my yoga mat to sweat it out each day. It can be difficult to keep the bigger picture of long-term happiness and fulfilment in mind when we’d much rather just avoid negative experiences and have a pleasant day.

The other downside of our love of comfort is that when we experience darker, scratchier moods, we often wonder where we’ve gone wrong. Western culture reinforces the notion that happiness is a state of mind that can be controlled. It’s up to us whether we see the glass half empty or full. We put pressure on ourselves and on others to actively pursue happiness, and as a result, we often see our darker moods as defective mental states to be corrected. Happiness has become a measure of success, perhaps even a moral imperative, and it’s one that most of us inevitably fail to achieve day in and day out.

Good things in life don’t only result from happy times. We mustn’t overlook the function and beauty of a life filled with different emotional states, because sometimes a pinch of discomfort, a dash of stress, and a dollop of guilt can be an amazing recipe for success.

The Benefits of Dark Emotions

Through rigorous analysis of the scientific research to date, long-time happiness researchers and psychologists T. B. Kashdan and R. Biswas-Diener make a strong case for the usefulness of the emotional states we often label “dark” or “negative” – the ones we’re generally not comfortable feeling or dealing with.

Their book The Upside Of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self – not Just Your “Good” Self – Drives Success and Fulfilment illustrates how people who are more at ease with using their darker emotional states are often more content, happy, and successful. The authors call this “being whole”, and they argue that in order to be happier, we must first come to grips with our complex emotional spectrum and begin to utilise so-called negative emotions to our benefit.

The authors highlight how:

• stress in the face of challenges can actually increase motivation.
• boredom can be a catalyst for creativity.
• avoiding discomfort and problems may mean failing to find solutions and challenge ourselves to succeed.
• moderate self-doubt can be useful, as it forces us to take stock of our skills and improve where necessary.
• sometimes quitting when something is futile makes sense.
• guilt, confusion, and frustration can be important emotional signals that we need to apply the brakes to whatever we’re doing.
• being selfish is sometimes necessary for self-preservation.
• anxiety, guilt and anger can give us courage, help us fight for justice, and keep us alert to dangers.

The authors argue that instead of avoiding negative emotional states, we should “take the negative out of them.” Instead of seeing happiness as the biggest advantage in life and avoiding the desire to be relentlessly upbeat, we can learn to become “whole” individuals who function at full capacity, able to tolerate the good and bad emotional states as they arise in our lives.

I will point out that the authors are not referring to depression or any other mental disorder, just the normal, everyday ups and downs we all inevitably experience. Nor are they saying that the negative emotional states are always superior or desirable. They, as much as anyone, recognise that “pain sucks” and happiness is wonderful. They provide the ratio of 80:20 to indicate that a person who is healthy and “whole” regularly experiences roughly 80% positive and 20% negative emotional states.

Striving to Be Whole

Do not create a culture based on the assumption that positivity must reign supreme. Instead, create a culture where everyone knows that it’s safe to be real, and that depending on the situation, it’s sometimes better to feel something other than happiness. – T. B. Kashdan and R. Biswas-Diener (p. 116)

As a life’s goal, I believe that striving to ‘be whole’ makes a lot of sense. It’s an exciting, liberating approach to living a good life. Instead of trying to avoid darker emotional states, we can make peace with experiencing them and pay attention to what they’re telling us:

• Is that anger saying that we should step up and intervene when we see a child being bullied?
• Is that guilt reminding us not to treat our friend like that in the future?
• Is that anxiety alerting us to a real potential danger?

If we take the book’s advice on board, we’ll continue to seek out experiences and situations that bring us happiness, but will also be at peace with feeling a little anger, anxiety, frustration and guilt from time to time. The existence of these emotions does not mean that we’re failing – rather that we are human. We can learn to notice when these feelings arise, try to look at them objectively, and not judge ourselves for failing to meet some elusive state of constant happiness. What’s more, we can feel more at peace when our children experience darker emotions. We help them understand that although they’re uncomfortable to experience, they can at times serve a purpose.

If you want to learn more about the benefits of your darker emotions, The Upside of Your Dark Side is crammed with illuminating, convincing arguments that will help you appreciate the beauty and function of your entire emotional barometer. And ironically, embracing your darker emotional states may just help you on your way to a happier, more “whole” existence.

By Rachael Soster-Smith

Rachael Soster-Smith moved to Zurich from New Zealand two years ago. Rachael is a mother of three and a freelance writer who wouldn’t give up a minute of her frustrating, joy-filled, challenging Swiss life.

Illustration by Laura Munteanu

Laura has studied Journalism and Advertising, and has been working as a journalist and an illustrator. She has been illustrating for magazines, websites, charity and diverse campaigns. She lives in Zurich with her husband and seven-year-old daughter.

Kashdan, Todd and Robert Biswas-Diener. The Upside Of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self – Not Just Your “Good” Self – Drives Success and Fulfilment. Hudson Street Press, 2014.