How to Survive a Divorce

Less than a year into the dissolution of a 10-year (plus) relationship, here is what I have learned so far.

1.    Find Support. If your family members are not there for you, don’t be surprised. They may not want a divorce in the family, lest it set the wrong example for little ones or give their own spouses the same idea. But be assured, God will send new sisters to you.

2.    Exercise. There will be many problems you cannot solve, at least in the immediate future. Along with giving you better energy and sleep, exercise will take away your extra energy so you won’t have so much emotional “grrrr” to direct at your ex or anyone else. It is the most important secret. We all have our highest adrenaline levels at the start of the day. Exercising at that time of day makes it so that nothing that happens during the rest of the day fazes you. Exercising again at the end of the day can “take it all away,” no matter how many lawsuits your ex files against you.

3.    Focus on the solution. Don’t spend a lot of time focusing on your problems. Look upon the solutions you wish to see, the rich and beautiful life waiting to be created.

4.    Counselors are key. A good psychologist or family counselor can recommend a great attorney for your situation. Divorces in Switzerland can take up to five years, so having a well-thought-out strategy at the outset is important. There are multiple decisions along the way: custody for the time of the proceeding, then the time of separation, then after the divorce. All of these determinations can be appealed later. Also, everything in Zurich must be submitted to the court in writing and in High German, so you’ll need everything to be professionally translated if you are not fluent. Be prepared for a lengthy and expensive process.

5.    Beware of social media. In divorce nowadays, all your emails, Facebook posts, and tweets can be used in the court for or against you. Clean them up before you begin the process, and then don’t write anything you don’t wish a judge to see.

6.    Get along with your ex. Have the intention that you will remain friends. Remain connected from the heart up, even as you disconnect from the waist down. It is useful to visualize cords going from you to him, actually plugging into him. Then pull out the cords, disconnecting, except from your heart (where you can try to love him still, unconditionally), throat (for clear communication), and mind. Consider his point of view always. Most men do not want to lose their wife (and family). You had likely become a mother to him as well, taking care of all his life needs. Allow his transition away from you to occur as gradually as possible.

7.    Have rules that put the children first. The last thing your children will want to see is mommy or daddy canoodling with a string of strangers. Keep your private life private. Maximize time with the children.

8.    If you move, you lose. Don’t forfeit your custody rights by leaving the children’s place of residency.

9.    Expect bankruptcy. Many divorcing women wind up living below the poverty line. The wife’s earning capability typically is far less than her husband’s, whose career she may have in part enabled. Additionally, women with custody often have all the expenses of caring for the children. Child support is generous in Switzerland, sometimes as much as SFr 2,000 per month per child, but these payments are also taxed, and sometimes at a high rate. Also with the expense of everything else, and all those pesky school holidays, when you have to be home with the children (versus at work), a single mother can have a difficult time juggling everyone’s needs and making ends meet.

10.   Mother’s helper. If you do not have family nearby and you can afford it, hire a mother’s helper for at least a few days per week, for the sake of your body and your sanity. Minimum wage in Zurich is SFr. 20 per hour (I know!), but if you have small children, having a helper even for a few hours a week can certainly ease transitions at home.

11.   Self care. No one else will do it for you. Everyone’s list may be different, but mine is: filtered water, high-energy food, daily exercise, sleep (including a siesta), meditation, time spent in nature. Ask, “What do you want me to do now, God, work-wise, career-wise, family-wise?” He sees things for the good of the whole and will speak to you in that small, still voice – if only you are willing to ask and listen.

by Hannah C. Brown                       Illustration by Ivy Hieber-Kwok

Hannah is a writer and mother of two young children, ages one and five. She divides her time between California, U.S. and Zurich, Switzerland. Her first book about how to use natural treatments to heal from chronic illness is called Recipe for Health and is online at www.whitebrightlight.com.