Motherhood: What Does It Mean?

Motherhood. Its meaning is changing as rapidly as just about everything else in our world today.

It seems that in former times, there were many guidelines. It started to change with my generation (my oldest child is 45, my oldest grandchild 16). When I was a young mum, there were clear guidelines on how to be a  young mum and how to raise children. We did what our mothers, aunts, neighbours, and older sisters did. This definitely had its advantages; it gave the young mums security and peace of mind: they did not have to question their actions.

Then psychology came along, and people started to realise that what a child had experienced when little really did make a difference. Psychological studies about the potentially negative effects of some parental behaviour and attitudes became more widely available, John Bowlby and Donald Winnicott published their studies, and La Leche League (LLL) was founded. The LLL philosophy, created by the founding mothers, grew out of their own experiences of how breastfeeding succeeds and how babies turn out to be happy children and well-balanced youth. The founders realised that successful breastfeeding is connected to understanding babies‘ needs, both physical and emotional, as well as the mothers’ needs.

Now bookshops are full of books on how to mother a child, how to raise children to ensure that they will be happy, intelligent, well behaved, creative, self-sufficient and be able to sleep all through a long night. On the Internet you can find advice on what to do in every conceivable situation. Midwives and Mütterberaterinnen  (mothers’ advisors) as well as paediatricians have suggestions. However, many of these ideas, opinions, and even ideologies might be totally different, even contrary, to some others. This huge choice is wonderful on one level; however, it is mainly unsettling to many young mothers who no longer know what and whom to believe, and what is right for their child. Every mother wants to do what is best for her child.

Motherhood, once a natural part of womanhood, as well as of tribal, village, and town life, has become for many a time of insecurity due to too many choices. It is also a stressful time if a woman chooses to or needs to go back to work outside the home for gainful employment. She is often torn between wanting to spend time with her baby and young child and her decision to leave him or her at a day care centre or with a nanny or relative, no matter how wonderful they are.

What images come to your mind and what feelings rise in you when you hear – or read, right now – the term motherhood? Are these images bright, colourful, and pleasing, or are they grey, bland images, depressing to look at? Seeing them with your inner eye, do you feel light, happy, alive, and joyous? Or burdened, sad, frustrated, and stressed?

If you are interested in delving more deeply into your own experiences, beliefs, and attitudes, take a notebook and a pen, and set a timer for 10 minutes. Write at the top of the page, “Motherhood is…” and then start writing whatever pops into your mind, pen always on the paper, without stopping and without censoring! That last part is most important! Nobody needs to read it; this is just for you. Many things that you write down might be surprising, unexpected, even embarrassing, and also amusing.

The better you know yourself, the easier it is to let go of thoughts and feelings that are not helpful.

Imagine yourself being a baby again – yes, I know we usually do not remember this time consciously, so just fantasise: what did you enjoy about your mother and what did you find more difficult? If you had had your choice, how would she have been? Most likely happy, relaxed, enjoying being with and taking care of you. You can expand the above exercise and write about motherhood in a perfect world: “My perfect mum …”. Again, set the timer to 10 minutes and do not stop, even if you write the same thing over and over.

This exercise will also show you what expectations you have, consciously or unconsciously, about your own role as a mother. It might be quite overwhelming. Do the exercise with a good friend or your husband, or share what you have found out about yourself.

The more than 50 years of experience of thousands and thousands of mothers all over the world attending LLL meetings has shown that breastfeeding and mothering succeeds best when a mum is relaxed and enjoys her motherhood. More easily said than done, I realise. If you have an LLL group nearby, do attend the meetings; they are wonderfully supportive.

In any case, do at least one thing a day FOR YOURSELF! That might be a chat with a faraway friend on the phone or by Skype or getting a fashion or girlie magazine (they even have them at your local library). Meet with other mothers for coffee, paint your toenails in a crazy colour, ask your husband for a back rub or foot massage, soak in a luxuriant bubble or cream bath, go for a walk in the woods or along the shore of a river, lake, or brook. Ask yourself: what is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now? And then do it!

Allow yourself to enjoy motherhood – and go for support and advice where it feels good and right to you, wherever your heart says “yes.” You have a right to feel good about being a mum and enjoying your baby.

And if you need support, call me: 043/917-8125.

By Christina Hurst-Prager

Christina Hurst-Prager, mother of three, grandmother of nine, is Swiss and has lived in the U.S. and U.K. In September 1973 she brought LLL to Switzerland. She still does breastfeeding counselling and also works as an Emotional Freedom Technician (EFT) Practitioner in her own practice.

Illustration by Bvisual.

Beth (“BVisual”) graduated from university after studying visual communication, specialising in illustration. She’s has been working as a freelance creative and undertaken projects such as the V&A Illustration Awards in London. Currently living near Lausanne, Beth has projects involving portraits and editorial illustrations under her artist’s name BVisual. See http://www.bvisual.eu/.

La Leche League Switzerland meetings can be found here.