Mothering or Fathering – It’s All About Parenting!

I’m a father and my role in the family is to bring the bacon to the table. Metaphorically. If it were circa 1940, that is. In 2014, my role is different, by choice.

I still bring bacon to the table, but then, so does my wife.
We both changed diapers when our kids were young.
Both of us make sure our kids bring clean hands to the table.
We both clear the table.
We both do dishes.
We work co-operatively to ready stuff for the morning.
We both help the kids with homework and take turns taking them to the park.
We both play board games like Scrabble or online games with our kids.
We both read The Giving Tree to our children and always wonder about how something so beautiful and yet so simple could be written.
We both tuck them into bed.
Oh…and we both say “No” when required.

It might sound weird, almost like a competition. Believe me, it’s not. It is co-operation.

Women have traditionally managed homes, with the men going out to be the breadwinners. Over time, women stepped into the work force. Perhaps taking cognizance of the fact that making headway was difficult in what was essentially a man’s world, their ambitions generally made way for the ambitions of the men in their lives, be it a father or boyfriend or a husband. They worked ‘until they could’.

In the past two decades, “educated working moms” have been managing homes, children, commutes, jobs and the associated politics, among many other things. The fight to be viewed as a person and not as a woman or a mother, both in the workplace and in our society, is still on. Very slowly, pay disparities are narrowing and companies are acting on their equal opportunity promises.

As that revolution is happening, a quieter, under-the-radar revolution has also been happening in our society. A sort of coming of age of the father!

Gender inequity has hampered women in a multitude of ways. In a more subtle way, the same gender inequity makes it difficult for men to be recognized as complete fathers where caregiving is concerned.

Over the last couple of decades, men have changed, and an important driver has been women (no doubt about that!). In the United States, women in the 1970s earned less than 10 percent of the degrees. Today, 57 percent of the bachelor’s degrees, 60 percent of the master’s degrees and 50 percent of PhDs awarded each year go to women. 50 percent of the workforce in the United States is female.

Recession-hit industries, like construction, housing, finance and manufacturing were male dominated. As men lost jobs, women stepped in to become primary breadwinners. Today they do not shy away from taking on more responsibility. In parallel, men no longer shy away from wanting a quality life, fulfilling in both work and family. Men too face a “glass ceiling,” as far as caring for children is concerned. Additionally, they are no longer considered macho and the women are not sure if they are just dabbling or if they are really ready to dive into parenting with full responsibility. Society is at an important juncture as the concept of family is morphing.

Interestingly, there was a time when set systems at work did not provide the flexibility for women to both work and care for their children. As an example, if a female employee could not stay for a meeting as she had to go pick up her kid, she received no empathy, and it would be remembered, to her detriment, at her promotion time. Over the years, with changes in attitudes and laws, women have had more and more flexibility. And about meetings – well, technology today helps people take a meeting even from the toilet!

Ironically, this empathy and flexibility is not easily available to men who want to both work and care for their children, because the same structures which once inhibited the women today inhibit the men, as the male interest in taking on more childrearing responsibility is not yet the norm.

Statistically, in 1965, dads spent an average of two and a half hours per week on caring for children versus mothers’ 10 hours per week. By 2011, fathers were spending seven hours a week caring for kids, while mothers spent 14. Every year when I get my Father’s Day hug and kiss, I think of the woman (remember, I did say the change in men was driven by women!) Sonora Smart Dodd, who started Father’s Day in memory of her father. She did not come up with the idea because he was a first-rate breadwinner, but because he was a breadwinner plus solo parent to her and her five brothers. This was way back in the late 1800s, after the American Civil War.

As women are growing from being child-bearers and nurturers to breadwinners, fathers are growing from breadwinners to caregivers and nurturers. The yin and yang of parenting are fitting in well to become a complete and yet balanced ecosystem of parenthood.

In 95 percent of mammalian species – including those most closely related to humans, the bonobos and chimpanzees – males do not invest in the wellbeing of their offspring, but some male birds, fish and insects do contribute to the bringing up of their young. So why do some males invest in parenting? Why do I?

I do it because I unashamedly enjoy my fatherhood. I strongly believe that my children will benefit from my involvement and nurturing. Just as my wife enjoys the simple pleasures of being around our children, I do, too. I feel pride in them as I watch them blossom. We both mother and father our kids. We hope that we are preparing them well to be egalitarian denizens of tomorrow’s society. Basically, we enjoy parenting them together. It’s no trap.

To wrap up, I would like to borrow the tagline of the documentary “The Evolution of Dad” (which I have yet to watch): Fatherhood is finally growing up!

By George Schalter

George Schalter loves being a dad. He and his wife share the joys and responsibilities of bringing up their two children. As believers of good, all-round education, they spend a lot of time playing with their children and spending time outdoors. As George is the writer in the family, he blogs at educationalkidsgames.edublogs.org/.

Illustration by Albina Nogueira

Albina Nogueira has been a primary school teacher since 1992, and a writer and illustrator since 2006. She currently lives in Switzerland, but her homeland is Portugal. She is also the author of Letters to Grandparents  and Hairdresser. To find out more, like her on Facebook or see her books in Amazon.