Sex and the Sixteen-Year-Old
“No, your boyfriend cannot spend the night – absolutely not,” I told my daughter, who was just 16 at the time. Eventually, after she had pleaded repeatedly with me, I agreed to ask her father, my Swiss husband. Although I really liked her main squeeze, Timo, I was reluctant to allow him into my daughter Nicole’s bed.
Why was this? Was she really too young? How many of my own prejudices were involved in my decision? How would my husband feel?
As an American, brought up in a strict Irish-Catholic family, I would never have dreamed of asking for this permission at such an age. I remember some of my granny’s comments back then: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” “That’s shacking up!” And, “Put some clothes on,” she would tell me, when I was a young girl on the beach in my 1960s-style bikini. The body was meant to be covered. In our family, the word “sex” was never uttered. Getting married was the only permission for sex. End of subject.
Some would say that the United States is a prudish country in general, the founders having brought their Puritan attitudes with them from their motherland. Abstinence as a form of birth control has been pushed into prominence by some groups there in recent years. (My sister, a high school teacher in the U.S., feels pressured to preach abstinence to her students, despite the fact that she herself lived with her boyfriend before marrying.) There is some hope for healthy change, however. The organization Advocates for Youth, founded in 1980, advocates effective reproductive and health programs throughout the U.S. and supports youth in making informed choices in birth control and avoiding sexually-transmitted diseases.
Pierre-Andre Michaud, a renowned researcher of European teen sexuality from the University of Lausanne Hospital in Switzerland, does not adhere to the idea that sex should be considered risky behavior for teens. In an editorial in the Journal of Adolescent Health, he wrote:
“In many European countries – Switzerland in particular – sexual intercourse, at least from the age of 15 or 16 years, is considered acceptable and even part of normative adolescent behavior.”
Switzerland actually has one of the lowest rates of abortion and teen pregnancy. Teens here, like those in Sweden and the Netherlands, can obtain contraceptives easily, and health care for young people is confidential. In addition, sex education starts at a very young age. According to Michaud, religion is not very influential in government policy regarding sex education.
As a mother, I carried with me my American-born belief that teenage sex was not only risky but also complicated. It would be too hard for my young daughter to deal with emotionally. I didn’t want to see her get hurt (but then again, she and Timo seemed to get along so well and they were obviously in love). Another argument that I had heard in support of teenage sexual abstinence is that teens have so much more to do than have sex when they are young: sports, music, school, and hobbies. Girls and boys should wait until later to become so intimate. I did worry that my daughter would no longer be as free to participate in her hobbies, which included her work as a scout leader and a member of a theater group.
I talked to my husband, and he too was against the idea at first. I think he feared losing his little girl. Although he also thought that Timo was a great guy, he was not ready for a sleepover of this kind. Later on, though, during a long and open discussion, we had to really consider and finally answer the happy young couple’s question: “Why not?” I had already talked to Nicole about the birds and the bees, and she had visited the doctor. Birth control was in order and the time was right.
I realized that the way I was feeling had a lot to do with my own upbringing, which was both dated and culturally biased. Suddenly my preconceived notions seemed so trivial. I knew that just because she wasn’t allowed to sleep with her boyfriend here didn’t mean that it wouldn’t happen elsewhere. Nicole was a responsible girl, brought home good grades from school and was generally quite well adjusted and happy. According to Wikipedia, 20.3% of girls and 24.1 % of boys in Switzerland have had sex by age 15, and therefore she, at 16, was certainly not alone in her potential experience. So we gave our consent, and it actually felt okay. We knew where Nicole was and with whom she was having a committed relationship. We gave in, and Timo could be found in our home (or sometimes at his family’s home) now and again when the busy couple had time for each other.
Later, some friends were visiting from the States and were surprised by our policy. “They sleep in the same room?” they asked. I had a feeling they thought that we as parents were too permissive. Later on, though, both Timo and Nicole offered to play with their 12-year-old daughter, Annie. The three had a blast playing hide-and-seek and some other scouting games, and Nicole and Annie spent some time chatting and checking out the computer. Obviously the notion that teen sexual relationships would take precedence over hobbies was not always true. What’s more, I think my American friends went home with some new ideas to think about!
I do not advocate this policy for everyone; I don’t think that my husband and I would have consented had we not respected Nicole’s choice of boyfriend. I am glad that we were all open and honest with each other and did not choose to ignore the situation, which is how both my husband and I grew up. In my opinion, dealing with questions about teenage sexuality should be handled with care, but the Swiss tendency to treat teens’ sexual relationships as normal and natural is healthier than the tendency to try to deny them or suppress them.
By Gina Dunn
Gina is an American transplant who has had to take a second look at many of her values and beliefs when it comes to parenting.
Illustration by Albina Nogueira
Albina began to work as primary school teacher in 1992, first in Portugal and later in Luxembourg. For the past seven years she has been developing her artistic side: writing, drawing and producing small books. Find her on Facebook under the name Albina Silva, and visit her blog at http://albinanogueira.blogspot.ch/
