Too Much Freedom Can Be a Burden

When my daughter was in elementary school I naturally gave little thought to what could be ahead for her regarding relationships, and certainly not regarding sex. During that same period of my life I had friends and acquaintances back in the U.S. who were already up to their eyeballs in hellish situations with their teens, trying their level best to cope with issues like promiscuity, pregnancy, and in one case protecting their gay son from being hit on by older teenagers and adult strangers.

It was a relief not to be dealing with what they were going through. In the case of the teenage pregnancy, it ruined my friend’s relationship with her daughter, and after her grandson was born her husband left her because of all the stress.

So I was taken aback the first time my daughter, then in the fourth grade, indicated that she was interested in boys. It happened one day when we were walking home from school: she turned to me and in her solemn little voice announced that the boy walking behind her was “in love” with her. When I asked her why she thought that, she said it was because he followed her around a lot, and everyday when he arrived at school he would always arrange his shoes so they would be next to hers before entering the classroom. I was happy for her that she had an admirer. A year or so later I gave her a kids’ book that introduced puberty, and I thought we were off to a good start.

It was not until she was about 13 that I felt the urge to have a serious talk with her about relationships. I had become aware that she was experiencing “puppy love,” which sounds harmless enough on the surface, but it was actually draining her and causing her to “space out” in class. In hindsight, I am glad I had the sense not to mention the word sex. She was already overly sensitive and keenly aware that sex was happening around her, since a “couple” in her class was caught in the act during a Schullager (school camp). It was also about that time that a teenage “sexting” scandal became headline news in the paper she was reading on the train coming home everyday.

What I suggested to her was that I would appreciate it if she would not date or even think about dating until she was at least 15. I was afraid that she would freak out at me, but she was clearly relieved. Meanwhile, I had a nagging feeling that what I had done was wrong. Who was I to tell my daughter that boyfriends were “off limits” until a prescribed age? Was I going to ruin her nice teenage years by denying her a little romance here and there? Why did I say 15?

I am now more confident that the delayed dating decision was the right one for her, and I no longer feel that it is an unnatural expectation to have, especially of younger teenagers. A book entitled Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney, M.D., has made me aware that the intensity of the bonding effect that sex has on teens should not be taken lightly. There are studies now that show that, compared to teens who remain abstinent, sexually active teens are far more likely to suffer from depression and even from suicide attempts. Furthermore, boys are much more susceptible to dangerous levels of despair due to sex than girls are.

Some reasons for this include that boys are more emotionally sensitive than they are able to express verbally. Their brains are also subject to increased amounts of the “happy” hormone dopamine, which has no moral code. It is released for positive reasons like doing well in school or potentially harmful ones like having unprotected sex. Girls additionally are sensitive to the hormone oxytocin, which is released not just through sex, but also by merely touching in an intimate way. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It is also immune to common sense, which is why it is possible for girls to hook up with boys who are abusive and to remain attached to them.

Insisting on abstinence was how my friends managed to keep their gay son safe during the remainder of his adolescent years. Instead of worrying themselves to death, they told him to use their rule as a way to back out of all advances. They also asked him to stay focused on his music and his academics, which led to a place at university. Now that my daughter is at university and has a serious boyfriend, the rules have been expanded to allow her boyfriend to stay overnight, but include that her door has to be locked and that two reliable forms of birth control must be used.

The suggestion about the locked door came from my husband, who said it was how his parents dealt with privacy issues. For me it is just common sense. I walk a lot in our area, even in the evenings, and it is obvious that teenagers in our area are having sex outside – even in fields. I don’t want my daughter to have to sneak around like that. I also feel that sex is a normal adult activity and for all practical purposes, she is an adult: she is nearly twenty.

Ultimately, I also think it helps to let your teens know where you stand, not just in terms of negative behaviors and their consequences, but the positive ones as well. For example, make sure they realize how much you appreciate their hard work in school. Additionally, make clear your belief that they will become more confident adults if they stay physically and emotionally healthy, especially throughout their teenage years.

By Frances Suter

Frances is American and has a Swiss husband and two teenage children. She enjoys the outdoors, especially hiking and bike riding in good weather.

Illustration by Albina Nogueira

Albina began to work as primary school teacher in 1992, first in Portugal and later in Luxembourg. For the past seven years she has been developing her artistic side: writing, drawing and producing small books. Find her on Facebook under the name Albina Silva, and visit her blog at http://albinanogueira.blogspot.ch/