What If My Child Is Gay?

Adolescence is often a difficult developmental period for youths. It is fraught with multiple stressors, such as: forming peer relationships, intimacy, sex, dating, concern for physical appearance, school performance, and family expectations. These everyday stressors can have significant positive and negative impacts on an adolescent’s self-esteem, identity and self-confidence. Because of this, young people will often look to other people for support, such as family, friends and peer groups, to help them navigate their way through a difficult and tense period in their lives.

According to research, peer groups, friends and family are essential for youths “to feel a sense of belonging and connectedness” to the environment in which they live. One of the most important benefits of these types of relationships is the motivation to develop a positive self-identity and self-esteem. Numerous studies have shown that social support from friends, peer groups, family and community can act as a protective barrier against depression, anxiety and other mental health problems.

Growing up in a heterosexual society

When it comes to the identity development of a gay, lesbian or bisexual (GLB) adolescent, the self-identity process becomes a great deal more complex. GLB adolescents usually grow up in a society where heterosexuality is visibly socially sanctioned, encouraged and reinforced by the wider community. In most Western societies, heterosexual adolescents are encouraged to explore their sexuality, while GLB adolescents are often denied these same opportunities. Most GLB youths are not raised in a community of similar others whom they can identify with, compare themselves to, and feel a sense of belonging with. Research has shown how GLB youths are at a greater risk of being victimised, harassed, bullied and assaulted when compared to heterosexual youths. Experiences of discrimination and victimisation can range from hearing an anti-gay joke, to being physically assaulted. Any amount of discrimination, victimisation or assault can render an adolescent’s environment hostile and unpredictable, and can increase a young GLB person’s feelings of vulnerability and self doubt, resulting in psychological distress. Research has found that there are high rates of victimisation against non-heterosexual young people, when compared to heterosexual young people. Mental health problems in GLB adolescents have been traced in part to the negative perceptions of the broader community in which they live.

Experiences of discrimination, victimisation and prejudice can reinforce expectations of rejection, leaving a young person feeling the need to hide their sexual identity to avoid negative consequences. The more a young person fears rejection due to their sexual identity, the more likely they are to experience symptoms of psychological distress, such as depression, anxiety, suicide ideation and suicide. GLB youths have a higher rate of suicide than heterosexual youths.

Adolescents do not choose to be gay, lesbian or bisexual. GLB youths usually have the same expectations, desires and dreams of the future that heterosexual youths have. It can be very difficult for an adolescent to understand and accept their non-heterosexuality. Many will fear rejection by their immediate family, loss of close friends, rejection by peer groups, bullying, social humiliation and a loss of childhood dreams, such as marriage and children. When GLB youths are searching for ways to cope with such life-compromising circumstances, they are at a greater risk of experiencing anxiety, depression and suicide ideation. Many GLB youths will turn to alcohol, drugs and casual sexual encounters in an attempt to escape their sadness, fears and loneliness.

Support from family and peers as a protective barrier against mental health disorders

Support from family, friends and peers have all been identified as playing a crucial role in the healthy development of GLB adolescents. Support and inclusion can act as a protective barrier against mental health disorders. Support by friends and family is essential for a GLB youth to feel confident in the disclosure of her sexual orientation (coming out). Research has identified social isolation and lack of supportive friends as among the most difficult issues that GLB adolescents face. When disclosure to family and friends is successful, it can provide reassurance of future support, understanding and acceptance on a day-to-day basis from someone already close.

Parents will often experience similar trauma as they come to terms with the issue of their child’s non-heterosexuality. Parents can experience fear of potential discrimination and victimisation that their child may encounter by being non-heterosexual. Parents usually want the best for their children and want a smooth transition through and into adulthood for them. Parents have usually based their hopes and dreams on their children’s futures, including fitting into the heterosexual ideal of a modern society. Parents will then often either under- or over-compensate as they try to understand or assist their child. It is important that the parents listen to what their child wants at this time. Does the child want to discuss what they are going through in detail, or do they just want to be treated as usual? Every child is different and will want a different level of support. The most important thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that the adolescent is in a difficult time in life, and that the parent is there for them. They are still the same beautiful child that they always were. However, counselling is also an option, either individually or together. Narrative therapy¹ can help explore the fears and worries that both parent and child may have.

By Lianne George MC, BA.

Lianne George currently holds a masters degree in counselling. She wrote a thesis titled “A Review of the Socio-Cultural Effects on GLIBT² Adolescents: Mental Impacts and Counselling Interventions.” Lianne says the thesis was inspired by her beautiful daughter Natasha.

Illustrations by Albina Nogueira

Albina has been a primary school teacher since 1992, and a writer and illustrator since 2006. She currently lives in Switzerland, but her homeland is Portugal. She is also the author of Letters to Grandparents  and Hairdresser. To find out more, like her on Facebook or see her books in Amazon.

¹ Narrative therapy is a collaborative and non-pathologizing approach to counselling and community work, which centres on people as the experts of their own lives. Source:  www.narrativetherapycentre.com/narrative.html

² GLIBT – gay, lesbian, intersex, bisexual and transsexual. Intersex is when a person does not feel that they belong in one of the two gender categories assigned at birth, i.e., male or female. An intersex person may reject the oppositional discourse and roles surrounding the two genders. They may also argue that there are more than just two gender categories.